I think that this is awful advice. Consider the following:
Scenario #1: Claimed But Unused
Imagine that you and your significant other are having a boy and decide that you both love the name Noah. You announce the name to your family and your younger sister has a fit because Noah has been her name since she was 15 and she claimed it and how dare you! Yes, your sister may have claimed Noah, but that does not guarantee that she will ever really use it. There are too many unknowns:
- maybe her SO will hate Noah
- maybe she will only have girls
- maybe her kid's last name will be Ochoa
- maybe she won't have any kids
- maybe her taste will change
Rule #1: First born, first dibs on names.
Scenario #2: But That's MY NAME!
I know plenty of women who have "claimed" a name (sometimes multiple names) and are very hurt when close friends use those names. Most of the time, the names are very common. Frankly, I just can't see the point in arguing over who thought of Emma or Jack first. There are a bajillion Emmas and a zillion Jacks, so you'd better get used to sharing.
On the other hand, I can see how it might hurt if you feel like you came up with a special, unique name and then felt it had been stolen. Solution: keep your unique name to yourself. That way, if someone uses it before you get the chance, you will know it is pure coincidence, not malice.
Nameberry says:
Announce your baby name choices early on. If you have an absolute favorite name you’re sure you will use, don’t make a secret of it. Planting it in everyone’s mind as “your” name can help avoid problems later.This is a terrible, terrible idea. If it's a common name, you can't own it, so don't try. You're going to look like selfish twit if you try to act like Bella is your own personal property. If it's an uncommon name, drawing attention to it is playing with fire. Chances are that your sister/cousin/fried never would have considered Wilfred if you hadn't brought it up.
Rule #2: No one owns a name.
Scenario #3: Honoring Grandma
One circumstance that can be a little tricky is the beloved family name. Maybe you have a dear grandmother named Matilda. You and your sister-in-law get pregnant within weeks of one another and independently decide to honor Grandma Tillie. Don't bother fighting over who was closer to Grandma — you all have the right to honor someone you loved (and it doesn't hurt that her name is back in style!). I don't really think it's a problem for cousins to share a name, especially if that name is honoring a beloved family member. If it really bothers you to have two Matildas, you can divvy up the nickname territory or use Matilda as a middle name or use Grandma's middle name. But please don't follow Nameberry's advice by announcing all this publicly — a private conversation between the two sets of parents is best. And remember that you are all trying to show your love for Grandma, so please be generous.
This actually was a concern for me when my daughter was born. My same-age cousin's girlfriend was due just 6 weeks after I was, and it was possible that we would both use a version of our beloved grandfather's name (especially because my cousin is also named after my grandfather). My husband and I didn't share our daughter's name with anyone else in the family before she was born, but we did talk to my cousin and give him a heads up. Turns out they weren't considering that name at all, but if they had been, it wouldn't have changed our decision. And, most importantly, we did not conduct this conversation over Thanksgiving dinner.
Rule #3: Be discreet. Generosity wouldn't hurt either.
I completely agree with you here. Especially when it comes to family names, I don't understand how any one family member can "own" the name. I have three cousins named Jackson after our great-grandfather, whose middle name was Jackson. (Although to be fair, two of those cousins have Jackson in the middle spot.) This has certainly never caused any problems in our family. As far back as I've been able to go, I've found the same family names used on multiple cousins in each generation. I personally think the idea of "namenapping" is ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteHear, hear! It seems to me (and I've said it before) that this issue of 'name owning' is in danger of getting out of hand. I can remember reading one woman clearly working herself up in some distress not over actually using the same name as a distant cousin whom she hardly ever saw, but a name which was simply SIMILAR to the name said cousin had used. I had to laugh, as in my family I have about six cousins called 'Paul' alone. No-one cared a jot that it had been already been used, and used, and used... My rule of thumb: if you like it, if it's right for you and yours, for goodness sake, use it! A name is for life, not just for occasional family gatherings and toddler groups.
ReplyDeleteI think the article specifically refers to a situation where you are actually pregnant - possibly at the same time as a family member.
ReplyDeleteWhile I do think accusations of name-napping are pretty silly, within families, I think it is fair to expect to negotiate. I'm the oldest, and when I was expecting baby #2, one of my younger sisters - newly married but not pregnant - was really worked up about the possibility that I'd use all of the family names for boys.
We had a girl - and used the mother of all family names for her - but I think her anxiety was understandable. It didn't change what either of us has named any of our children, but I can understand the benefit of the conversation.
Families aren't logical, rational places - and I'd hate to discover after the fact that someone was nursing a grudge over a name we'd used.
Couldn't agree more - I think people are becoming utterly ridiculous about "name-stealing".
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, women who say nobody else can use the name Charlotte Rose or Jack Edward, not even neighbours or people they share a gym locker-room with, until THEY give birth, are the worst.
Luckily I have completely different naming tastes from my siblings and siblings-in-law, so I've never had to worry about sharing names with family members, but honestly I couldn't care less if they did. (We only use family names in middle name spots, so they could all share the same family name and nobody would even know).
I love the name Daisy after my grandmother, but when I announced one day that I want to use it in my daughter's name if I ever have one, my younger sister lost it because she wanted to use it as a first name. I only ever intended it as a middle name, but I can see a serious storm brewing if I ever tried to use Rule #1 on her ;)
ReplyDeleteBottom line: I'm using it anyway. It's only a middle name, and I'm pretty sure she's changed her mind on Daisy since.